Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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