i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
try to milk me bitch
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