I feel like abortions should bother me more
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
