you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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