I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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