Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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