when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
