I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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