Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize