I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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