It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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