I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
