Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
pop tarts are not kleenex
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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