So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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