i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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