Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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