it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
