Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
