Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
