I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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