She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize