So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
