Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
