Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
