I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
