we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
