God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
