I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
