Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
