I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
