The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
