I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You are a genius and a whore.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize