Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
