a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
