I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
