why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
