If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
