i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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