Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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