dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
