My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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