you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
