I can't watch pbs sober anymore
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just invented taco cereal.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
