The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
