ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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