I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
