I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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