just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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