Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Still dying that you shit outside
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
