Don't make out with my wife yet
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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