I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just tell him i said nine months
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Randomize
