It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
