Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
