then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
